Before and After, by Jimae

Before and After

by Jimae Kenney, Mom

Forever the demarcation

In the life that I call mine

The day to day occurrences

Before and after on that line.

Before we were a family

Held together by joy and love.

Our day to day activities

Appreciation for gifts from above.

Before I was always focused

On what to do today-

What time do I have to be there

And what do I need to say?

I felt like I was in the service

Of my family and fellow man.

I was good at what I committed to

Completing tasks and caring for others

Almost faster than I ran.

After life was forever changed

We were still a family unit

But the depth and breadth of our understanding

Were magnified in our comprehension of it.

The heavy scent of flowers-

The sounds of bagpipe strains-

The cold and ice of winter

Bring back the empty pains.

Especially now at Halloween

Your favorite time of year-

The tricks and jokes you were up to

Leaving us all to fear.

Oh the memories of your spirit

How caring and loving you were.

And now you’re gone we hold inside

The warmth of your strength so sure.

And with that comes a peace,

A stillness in our hearts-

Though broken, they are stilled

A song that cries within our parts.

Before I had thirty two years

Now, after is only two

My continuum of understanding

And memories of you

Encourage me to continue

To go forth each and every day

With renewed understanding of the plan of life

And constantly in my heart I pray

For understanding of the truth

Of knowledge that is our sacrifice in seeing-

As we release our beloved son To the Heavens

Of our father and brother of greater being.

So, is this how our Heavenly Father felt

When he gave his only begotten son?

Did the grief and pain underlie

All that is ever done?

After

So, now today, I often wonder

Did I teach you all that you needed to know

To get through time and eternity

And what to do so you will continue to grow?

Did you learn what you needed to be?

Truth be told, upon that day –

Two years ago our life was forever altered

Now all of us can say

We are to take these things we know-

Those things we need to do

To be the people on this earth

To act in place of you.

A cousin's example . . . from Jake

I probably think about David about everyday.  I think about him when I see something I know he'd like (a movie, song or game), when I remember something we did together or just when I'm driving on my long commute and feel lonely.  Unfortunately all the thought has produced very little action.  I have been thinking about what I would say for this occasion of his 33rd birthday and in preparation dug into my stash of letters that he wrote me.  It was probably only the second time I had read most of them.  The dozen or so letters that were saved span from his high school days (I read about what he did for his birthday 15 years ago, the designing of our own Star Wars board game, college life) to his mission (what it was like in the MTC, first reactions to Mexico, advice to a future missionary such as myself), to my mission (his difficulty finding a girlfriend, working and studying, eventually meeting and being swept off his feet by Cristina).  He was my best friend during this period of our lives.  These past 11 months I have sat back and read what his siblings and spouse wrote about him and didn't even realize how much first hand (literally handwritten) sources I've had.  They have some really sweet things about his family, his early courtship with Christina (kind of the other side of Cristina's journal entries that Lani read at the funeral) and lots of goofy funny stuff too.  He was a real nerd but boy we had some good nerdy fun! So anyway I will scan these letters and make sure they are posted on the blog.

How David celebrated his Birthday 15 years ago

Our calendar of stuff to do during winter break '96.
We did this every time we got together, this was the only one I can find.

Cousins hike to Emerald Pools

EFY at BYU 1999 and yes Jared loved it

David came up with this totally original battle scheme for our
Star Wars game that we spent  months making but never played a complete game.

Not a great photograph but you can tell Dave and I are on top of the world
hanging out with three of the five most beautiful sisters in Orderville.

David on having annoying companions

David on the family speaking Spanish.  Johnny and now Lexie continue the tradition.

David on hanging out with Ben.  Of course he
later developed the same closeness with Alex just as he wished here.

David said, "Thanks for the Far Sides" which I would send with every letter. As I read the one about the man milking the cow standing up, I couldn't stop laughing.  Everyone thought I had lost it, but seriously I couldn't help it.  It was honestly the heartiest & heaviest I've laughed for 10 months.

He wrote me about a special girl named Cristina he fell in love
with on a trip to Merida with my dad and Joe

I feel I owe so much to David and have so many memories of him that the possible volume of this thought would either be impossibly big for me to complete or else a pitiful fraction of what I know and feel.  I want to just tell a couple brief memories that show his journey from faithful but immature and agnostic teenager to mature man of God (a phrase he used frequently in his correspondence, not in reference to himself but in his goal).  I feel like we took this journey at the same time.

We were headed back from scout camp where we were the two oldest scouts in attendance so David must have been 17.  Bruce was driving and David sat in shotgun while I was in the back.  I don't think they knew I was listening because I remember feeling secretly privy to a very intimate Father/Son conversation.  David asked his dad if he thought Heavenly Father treated His children in the Church differently than the rest of His children, "Does he answer their prayers the same as he answers a church member's?"  He probably wasn't doubting the existence of God but kind of wondered why He would need a single true church when we were all his children and thus why he, David, would need to participate in it.  The discussion went from "does he listen to and reward our prayers differently" to the disparity of our various positions at birth.  I don't remember all of Bruce's wisdom on doctrinal exclusivity or fore-ordination that day but I remember it was gracious, encouraging and calming.  I think of this conversation when the topic arises in study or church about "consider the lilies of the field" or "where much is given much is required" or what it means to make covenants.  What I've come to think this means is that David was a thinker.  He pondered on the big questions and did not shy away or let doubts get the best of him.  I think David was after two things; first, he wanted to know his standing with God.  He wanted to know if Heavenly Father heard his prayers.  He was always a good boy.  He didn't have an ounce of rebellion in him, he wanted to know what the right thing was so he could do it.  Second, I think this question shows his compassion for other people.  He wanted to know how they fit in the Plan of Salvation if they didn't have the blessings of the gospel like he did.

I believe it was the following Summer that we went to Youth Conference.  On the last evening a testimony meeting was held in which David played an unusually large role.  I actually don't remember what he said if he spoke at all but I remember multiple (like a half dozen or more) people talking about him.  They all said that their lives had been touched by David's example.  It was his example of kindness, stories about him being their only friend, or about him running with Eric Carrillo or showing kindness to a less fortunate.  All of these people said that his example brought them closer to the gospel.  I remember thinking about these statements in light of his uncertainties.  When others were wavering and needed an example he could be depended on despite his own doubts.  He acted righteously even before he was blessed with sure testimony.  I don't know whether it was because of something he said or whether I said it in my head but I remember thinking at the time and since that his faith preceded the miracle, that he was willing to act before he had a certainty, obey before blessed.

In Alex's poignant and perfect eulogy he spoke of an experience he had with David that must have happened not too long after this because David had not yet gone on a mission.  This story seemed to put a bookend on the timeline of David's testimony development.  Somebody, a return missionary apparently close to them, had flippantly expressed incredulity at Joseph Smith's divine role.  David made a point afterwards to take Alex aside and tell him that person was wrong, that Joseph was indeed a prophet and that David knew it.  It shows not only his love and concern for his little brother's spirit (a responsibility he undoubtedly learned from his older brother) but also his own spiritual growth from doubt to surety.

I know by the time he served a mission he had a deep and unshakable testimony that we bore in every letter and at every opportunity.  I just wanted his kids and nephews and nieces and anyone else who might read this to know how he got it.  He acted in faith, doing his best and hoping the Lord would give him answers.  He continuously tried to improve himself and to love those around him.  He cared enough to be curious and study and he followed the many good examples in his life.  I'm so grateful that he shared that progress with with me and that I could now testify that he knew.

I never said much about my thoughts and feelings at the time of David's passing but would now like to take the opportunity here.  My family had gathered from multiple states for Dana's boy Carter's blessing.  A few days before our arrival we heard that our maternal grandmother had passed away after years of widowhood and dementia.  At the time we counted it a great blessing that we could all be there for her funeral.  The morning of the funeral was the same dark Friday that the unthinkable happened to David.  My family was planning on staying with David and Cristina one of the nights of that trip but hadn't actually bothered calling to arranged it because I figured I could rely on their automatic hospitality as I had in the past.  Thus I missed my last mortal opportunity to talk to him.  I count it a miracle that Joe, Karyn, Dana, and I were in Salt Lake and close enough that we could visit the hospital to say goodbye and to hug our loved ones in so much pain.  A few days later the double baby shower (for Moses and Lincoln) turned into a wake and I remember feeling so grateful to close to my many beloved cousins and Jimae and Bruce in our hour of common grief. Being near them physically and emotionally helped.  My thought at the time was that it was such a tragedy that someone was taken that had so much going on, that had so many depending on him, that was such a good and worthy person.  Of all of us why him?  And yet the fact that he had accomplished so much, had so many loved ones, was so worthy perhaps made him a better candidate because he had had a fuller life.  That fact that in such the short span of his earth life he was able to influence so many, live a wonderful love story and father two great kids made him a more prepared and merciful sacrifice than another.  I also count it as a tender mercy to have said the closing prayer at David's mortal farewell just as I had at his missionary farewell.  Nobody but me would have remembered who said a prayer in some meeting 12 years earlier but I did and it meant a lot.

Book of Memories... from Julia

Memories are so important to me.  I try to keep a journal and I know I take way too many photos. I guess my hope is that throughout the years to come I can look back at what I've done, where I've been, and remember those people and experiences that have made this life beautiful.

Currently, however, I am working on a different kind of journal.  One not for myself. I remember the weekend of David's funeral. I remember people asking, "What can we do for your family" but then realizing there is really nothing that could take away the awful pain and heartache. David's sisters asked for people to write down some favorite moments with him, and I'm sure a hundred different memories of growing up with David came to my mind.  I tried to record just a few of them before I let any more time pass, but I, like everyone else, found it difficult to put thoughts into words. Words just don't do justice for someone like Dave.  

Well, after talking with Laura a bit during a recent trip to Utah, she expressed how much the family would still love to preserve as many memories of David as possible. I agreed this project was a must. I took on the challenge of compiling memories for David's book.

I tell you, contacting and hearing back from everyone is no small task!  He has so many life-long friends, coworkers, mission companions, and family members that I know would love to participate.  I've collected entries from many... but am still waiting for MANY more. I continue to push back the "due date"... mostly because I know this book will not be complete without certain people who knew David best.
A work in progress.
If you are reading this post, and haven't submitted an entry for this book yet, please DO!  I know this is the busiest time of year, but this is an important gift of service for David's family.  As Laura said, "Something is always better than nothing."  So it can be short and simple or as detailed as you'd like.

Here are a few writing prompts...
What is your favorite memory with David?
What have you learned from his example?
What would you like his children to know about him?
David lived a life full of gratitude. At this Thanksgiving season, what are you most thankful for, and how can you show that gratitude more fully each day?}

How wonderful it will be for his two young children to get to read these memories someday and see how many lives David had influenced for good.  How wonderful it will be for his family to remember his optimism, goofiness, creativity, and charity. 

We love you, David, and miss you.  You've touched more lives than you may ever know.

Love, Julia

a letter to Jasmine, from Cristina

Jasmine:

There are so many things I want to write for you about your daddy that I am afraid I'll forget the most important ones. You were born on February 24/2009. Dad and I welcome you with so much joy. You were daddy's "baby blue eyes ". 

I want to tell you a little bit about papa Dave. First even when he is not here with us he loves you so much. You are 3 years old and I tell you all the time about papa. It seems like you don't remember many of the fun things he used to do with you. But he was very fun and loving dad. He was always worry about you growing up and he always said he needed it to buy a gun to make sure no boys will get close to you. Every time you heard the garage door opening you were the first one to run and give dad a hug. He would hug you and say : Oh my jazzy jaz. You loved when he used to throw you up and catch you, I have a lot of pictures to prove it. Hide and seek was your favorite game to play with him or what about the kailaan memory board game?. He bought lots of kids board games to play with you. I always enjoyed watching the 3 of you together. I think that is another activity I miss so much. 

I love your daddy with all my heart. He is the love of my life, the kind of love you feel once for that special person. A year ago our lives changed. Daddy was taken away from us. He had a very important job to do for Heavenly Father. Dad gave you a hug and a kiss the night before, you were sleeping on your bed and he stood at the door and whispered: Oh my Jazzy I love you so much! . I know with no doubt he is close to us more than we can image. I don't know why things happened this way but we have to believe that this was part of a plan that someday we will be able to understand. 

You are so little right now and with your innocence you help me get through day by day. I love when you say that daddy is at the temple. I love and admire your desire to go to the temple some day and you are only 3!. Melts my heart when you sing for me or when you sing for daddy Dave. We love you so much my beautiful daughter, I am trying my best to make sure you'll see papa again. Josh and you are my blessings in this life, you fill my life with joy and I can't wait for you to grow and see what kind of girl you'll be. 

Right now you are my buddy, who stays with mom while josh is at school. You like to go shopping with me and cooking too. I don't know what I'll do when you start going to school too. I guess I'll miss you but I need to let you grow. I wish you can stay this little. I want you to know how much papa Dave loves you. He is in a very special place now, he is working so hard and also he is with you. You will feel papa Dave as you grow older. I want to write to you the same I wrote on Josh's letter. The person responsible for what happened to dad is not a bad person, he is suffering very much. He is going trough a rough time like us. It is not easy for him and for us either. We were wounded bad by his actions. When the time is right I hope you can meet him. I hope you can feel in your heart the desire to forgive. I love you and you are also the world to me. Everyday I see a little bit of papa on you. I wish the best for you and I am always going to be here when you need a friend. Thanks so much for letting me be part of your life, thanks for your unconditional love and for teaching everyday about forgiveness. You are a beautiful soul and I am proud to be your mom.

Love you sweet heart!

a letter to Josh, from Cristina

Josh :

There are so many memories I have about your daddy. I want to tell you first that he loved you and still loves you like I never knew a daddy could love. 

Daddy was a missionary when I was living in Mexico. I was about 17 when I met him. All I remember is that he was so good about making others happy and serving the lord in a magnificent way. I remember helping him with some talks and I remember your abuela Candy had a surgery once and he went to our house to visit and that was the first time he did his trick with his ring, the same one he used to show you where he put the ring in his eye and then appears on the back of his neck. He was a very funny guy. I remember one afternoon sitting outside with Tia Gaby and telling her that Elder Kenney was so serious that I won't marry a guy like him. I ate my words 'cause he ended up being the love of my life. We dated for about a year and finally I got my visa. I came to the United States on a very cold day. On January 3, 2004 I married your daddy. I was so happy, finally I found a guy that loved me for who I was, and he made my life complete. It was very hard for the first months for me to get used to this new life, i was far away from my family and daddy was all I had. He spent lots and lots of days making me feel like a queen and he did an excellent job. 

When we were dating we had an important talk about not waiting too long after we were married to have have kids. It was a little bit hard for him to accepted but as always he told me we were going to do what makes me happy. Almost 2 years after, mommy got pregnant. We were filled with joy to know there was a baby growing inside of mommy. One day we went to the doctors office to find out if we would have a boy or girl. A BOY! Your dad was so happy he was already making plans with all the activities he wanted to do with you. He was also taking all the time to mom's tummy making sure you'll recognize his voice too. The time for you to be born came one day after mom and dads second wedding anniversary. Abuela, grandma and dad were there to welcome you. A beautiful boy was born to the Kenney family. Daddy held you and he was so proud of you, I still have the picture in my mind of him and you together. Dad worked so hard that everyday after work he would spend time with you, giving you kisses, letting you sleep on his chest and repeating to himself how tiny you were and how much he loves you. He would sing to you Baby Mine or Pokey Bear. You might not remember but he loved to have  one on one time with you, going to the movies was his favorite. Teaching you how to build Legos or helping him with the train.   Life continued and we sold our house, by that time dad got laid off from work and mom was pregnant of Jasmine. Dad was so smart and spiritual that I remember him telling me that the Lord will take care of us. A few days after he got a new job at ATI. It was one hour going and one back, we were so thankful that we didn't care about the drive. He was always worry about making sure his family was safe.

A few months later we bought a new house! Dad told you it was YOURS and until today you say MY HOUSE, not moms or dads it's Joshies. After he got back from work we will drive from grandmas to where our new house was going to be built. He was so excited, you were always next to him, asking him so many questions that only he could answer. 

My sweet Josh it's very hard to write about dad, my heart is in so much pain still. I miss him so much. I know you miss him too, I have seen you cry and now that you are growing the questions are coming. I want to tell you that even though I don't quite understand why daddy went back to Heavenly Father, he loves you much, please never forget that you are part of him. You are part of an amazing family. You are a Kenney sweetie. I also want to tell you to please forgive the person responsible for this. I know you are young now, but someday you will grow and I want you to be as loving and forgiving like dad was. The person is already suffering for what he did. Someday when you are ready you can meet him because at the end of all this he owes you an apology. He might ask for you to forgive him and I hope I will be a good teacher and teach you that no matter what, we need to forget and forgive. You will be ready on your own time. 

Each day that passes we are a little bit closer to see dad again. I believe in my heart that this is only a temporal separation and we will see Papa again. He is with Heavenly Father waiting for us to come back to him. I can't wait for that day to come. I picture in my mind you, Jassy, me and dad together. I want to share my testimony with you son. I always knew the church is true, about the power of the Melchizedek priesthood but not until papa died it was when I felt the real power and the love that Heavenly Father has for us. Heavenly Father does not hate us, he had a very important calling for your dad and it was necessary for him to go back. God loves us that is why he sent you Daddy Wes. Right now I am writing this and I can hear you with him laughing and playing and my heart is full with joy. Wes loves you so much. I believe also that he was sent to us to make our path easier to walk. I am glad you are so loving that I have heard you so many times tell him I LOVE YOU. I know someday our happiness will be complete. I know that in the other side of the veil there are lots of blessings awaiting for us. Be worthy of receiving them. I love you son, you are part of my world, I want the best for you always, I want to tell you that your 2 dads and mom are very proud of you. Daddy Wes and me are very excited to see what kind of man you'll be someday. I know papa is helping us too and someday I know you will feel him close to you. You bring so much happiness into our lives. Until we get to see dad Dave, be happy, be thankful, be kind, be loving and be worthy of heavenly fathers blessings.

With all my love, your mom

Happy Birthday David! from Laura

Happy happy birthday little brother.  This year, in so many ways, has been the hardest of my entire life.  But, at the same time, I cannot deny that I have learned lessons from your life and your death that have changed me for the better. 

When we decided to do some act of service in your name, the first thing that popped into my head was how I wanted to be better at serving in the Lord’s Temple.  I made it my goal to go every month this year.  Sometimes it feels like a selfish goal because I have received many blessings by giving of my time to do temple work for those in the spirit world that cannot do it for themselves. 

Many of the months Mom and I have gone together.  It’s been so nice to sit with her in peace and quiet.  Of course we don’t talk much, but we gain strength from each other.  Sometimes other family members have been able to join me, or I go by myself.

 

I want you to know that I have a testimony of temple service.  I am so thankful to live close enough to so many temples.  I have been blessed to feel you close most of the time that I am there.  I know this work is so very important to you, maybe that’s why I made it my goal. 

Last month was our Stake RS Temple day, and we were blessed to hear from one of the matrons of the Salt Lake Temple.  She read us the following quote from John A. Widtsoe:

“Spiritual power is generated within temple walls and sent out to bless the world. Light from the house of the Lord illuminates every home within the Church fitted for its reception by participation in temple privileges. The path from the temple to the home of man is divinely brilliant. Every home penetrated by the temple spirit enlightens, and comforts every member of the household. The peace we covet is found in such homes.

Indeed, when temples are on earth, the whole world shares measurably in the issuing light; when absent, the hearts of men become heavy, as if they said, with the people of Enoch's day, 'Zion is fled' (See Moses 7:69).”

I love envisioning the “path from the temple to the home” being divinely brilliant.  I know my family has been blessed by my attending the temple more often.  I feel like we have been blessed with more light and understanding to our little hiccups and trials of life. 

I’ve loved the scripture Doctrine and Covenants 101:16 ever since you whispered it to my heart last December.  

“Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.”

I’ve tried to remember this commandment and take time to just be still.  When I quiet my heart and mind, it is easier to focus on what is most important.  This is easier to do when I return to the temple often. 

Last spring I made a little necklace to remind me of how important it is to Be Still.  I wear it most days, along with a pearl from Grandma Bodell.  It helps me feel a bit closer to both of you. 

Another of the service projects I did in your name was to compile a book of our experiences as a family relating to your death.  It was a hard thing for all of us to think about, but we knew that we had all experienced sacred things and felt of our Savior's love throughout this year.  Everyone contributed and I pulled the journal entries and testimonies into this book for our family to reflect on whenever we are missing you. 

I am so grateful for all the lessons you are teaching me as I work hard to become more like you until the day when we can be together again.   I miss you so much.

All my love,

Laura

You and I, love mom

Mom wrote this for David. Her birthday is today (Nov.9).

You and I

When first I learned I was expecting

(In those days it wasn't so planned)

I worried about attention

Should you and your siblings demand.

But once you were born and I held you

I really didn't care -

I knew you were very special

You were our baby brother to share .

Love didn't seem to be a problem

There was plenty to go around

You won everyone's heart, right from the start

You were our precious baby brother.

The thing you did the very best

From the very beginning 'till the end

Was snuggle and give the best of hugs

To one and all and especially me, your mother.

Oh, how you loved the show, Dumbo

You were the first of the video generation.

Over and over, again and again –

Casey Jr. and his circus train.

The family wishing for cessation.

Fast forward for flying pink elephants

Mom, they really are too scawe!

But will you sit by me and rock me

And sing Baby Mine was your query.

Later in life your pet “hobby”

One of many I might mention if time.

You and your Grandpa together

Continued to create and enjoy

Your very own...Casey Jr. Circus train.

And on Tuesday night in the neighborhood

The children would anxiously wait

For the signal and whistle and smoke to start

An undertaking straight from your heart.

Our birthdays are a day apart.

For me that always had meaning.

For 32 years we celebrated together

Each year recognizing each other.

This year, this week - I'm all alone,

You aren't here to share.

The cake, the gifts, the memories

That as family we hold dear.

Today, I sit here at your side, under a sky of blue,

With majestic mountains reaching up and fountains tinkling true.

And I remember now, the thing

That as parents we've always known.

Though we tend to resist the knowledge

A knowledge that shows we've grown.

The simple fact that you were not mine to keep

But rather a wonderful loan....

It's been a long year, but now I feel

That wisdom has come with time.

I'm finally able to say “Thank you, God,

For letting him be mine.”

For the privilege of being his mother on earth.

For the lessons he taught me as well

For the example of learning, service and work

For the near perfect son to tell.

You were always so special to all of us

To your siblings, cousins, and friends

To grand-parents, teachers and neighbors

The list doesn't seem to end.

But to all of us the thing we'll remember

Is how you liked “us” best

And wanted to spend as much time with each

Never seeming to need a rest.

I wonder at times if perhaps you knew

That your time on this earth was short.

And that you had to make the best use of it

There were so many things to be learned -

To experience and to have and to hold

An eternal partner and wife.

Then a son and a daughter of your own

It seemed you had the perfect life.

But then it ended in tragedy

Leaving the rest of us to grieve,

And so now we hold on to the legacy

Heavenly Father allowed you to leave.

Happy Birthday, from Liz

Happy Birthday Brother!

What a special day for us to celebrate! We miss you so much, and over the coming years we will miss you more and more. But many of us have felt you very near and we are so grateful for that.

Today is your day! It's my opportunity for me to tell you how much I love you and what I've learned since you left us on this physical earth. It's a hard thing to write and put into words, but I'll try.

I remember the week of your death, I kept asking myself “how will the atonement help me through this? How do I apply it to this situation?” I've been taught all my life how the atonement can help us in all things including grief and comfort– but until that time, I didn't know how.

I decided the place to start looking for answers was in the scriptures. I started in the middle of January with a goal to read the Book of Mormon in 40 days. By committing myself to 40–60 minutes a day of reading I was able to finish it in time. When I was done with that I didn't want to stop, so I set a new goal – to read the entire standard works before your next birthday. The Doctrine and Covenants was next, followed by the Old Testament and lastly came the New Testament. I didn't need a full hour every day, and some days got missed. But I was able to finish it all by the end of August.

Not only did I finish all that (and ahead of schedule), I also read Jesus The Christ, The Miracle of Forgiveness, and about 6 other books related to understanding the scriptures, the atonement, and the temple. To help me apply what I was learning I also went to the temple as often as possible.

What a wonderful period of time that was for me – I learned so much! One of the ways I was able to do this was that I was willing to ask specific questions as I studied. I had a journal/notebook I wrote in almost daily. Sometimes I would write a summary of what I read, sometimes it was a question I had about what I was reading what I wanted to learn more about. Sometimes it was my testimony and how it was being strengthened. And sometimes it was words of gratitude for the blessings in my life.

The day I finished the Book of Mormon, I wrote down some things I had learned about “Death and the Atonement”that I'd like to share:

• Life is eternal
• John 11:25-26: I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believeth in me shall never die.
• The Savior can heal, comfort, and strengthen those who weep for lost loved ones.
• The Algebra of Affliction: Things dont always “add up” because we don't have all the numbers.
• The Lords timing
• Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.
• He knows ALL our pains as individuals. Just as he visited with the Nephites one by one, he knows us the same way.
• When we reach for him, he reaches back. Our pains are in the nail prints.
• Because of the atonement, death is not an end or a tragedy. It is a beginning of a new journey. If we can draw close to the savior He is our constant companion who experienced our pain.

This was just the tip of the iceberg for me. A few pages later, I wrote the following: “Why is the story of The Creation and The Fall used in the temple ceremony? What am I to learn from it in relation to the covenants we make?” Although this isn't a direct question about the atonement, I felt I needed an answer. I won't tell you here what answers came to be, but I will say they came. Almost too fast to process. I took more notes in my journal and eagerly attended the temple several more times to solidify what I was learning over the coming months.

As I came to understand more and more about the temple, the plan of salvation, forgiveness, and service – that's when the atonement started to click for me. It's all related, and it's all in the gospel.

If anyone reading this wants to know the answers to my questions, I encourage them to go on their own journey of investigation. Write down your questions and earnestly seek to find the answers where ever they may be. The Lord will answer them for you.

But to my David – thank you! I have felt you guiding me to increase my understanding of the scriptures so that I can then strengthen my testimony. If there was one thing you would want from me for your birthday, it would be to come closer to the Savior so that when my time comes to find you in heaven, we can go together to learn even more about what is to come. I love you so much and am happy to be your sister.

Love, Liz  

Happy Halloween! :D

About a year ago we were at the family Halloween party with David. David and I were both hippies, and we took a picture together.
That same night, David,Christina, Rick, Cindy, Alex, Lexi, Spencer, and I went to a haunted house. We had so much fun together. :) Earlier David had painted his teeth black, so in the haunted house picture he made a funny pose with his teeth. :) I'm so glad I have this pictures, because they are the last pictures I have with him.
Anyway, missing you David, thanks for the fun memories!!!

Love, Alyssa 

True Love

Blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves. That is Christ's 
great atoning example for us, and it ought to be more evident in the kindness we show, the respect 
we give, and the selflessness and courtesy we employ in our personal relationships.

- Jeffrey R. Holland -


 It's been a long time since i wrote here. So many things in my life have change and keep changing. Yesterday i was looking at some pictures on my computer and i saw some videos of Dave and when i think i am ready to watch them as soon as i see Dave or listen to his voice tears start coming. Two days ago i was feeling sad, my son was crying because he misses Papa and there is nothing worse than see my kid crying for his dad. We decided to go to visit Papa Dave at the Cemetery and we got there and my Josh just collapse on the grass and said: Papa why are you there? My body just went through an enormous pain and i try to explain one more time to Josh about Papa and i just couldn't, i couldn't talk and i looked at the sky and pleaded to Dave, please sweetie help me, you know i can't do this alone, i need you. Please help our boy to feel you close and make him happy. Two minutes later a beautiful Ladybug landed on Josh's hand... Could it be possible that Dave send that ladybug to make my son happy?. I believe Dave was there and as much as i know my husband i image him suffering as much as me by watching his baby crying for him and not being able to hug him. A few minutes past and Josh and Jasmine were running around the cemetery and as i was watching them i thank my Heavenly Father for those beautiful kids he gave us. 
     My testimony about the gospel has changed so much in the last 8 months. Every time we are confronted with challenges and for a second we doubt, we have to hang on the thinks we know are true, i believe we have all been created for greater things than we can comprehend and for some reason he send me this challenge and i also believe he knows i am strong to get through it. I know for my own experience how hard it is to fight the dark path when you are tested and satan is there to also tell you to hate our Heavenly Father, i know the battle and i know the way to end it. I know praying is the only way we can communicate with God and also with our loved ones. I am so grateful for the Melquizedec Priesthood in my life and for all the wonderful blessings i have got from it and for the ones i will have in the future. I want to write the words of Stephanie Nielson the girl who survived a plane crash and her words are the same i feel: There are moments in my life when my spirit taps my heart to reminder me why i am here. Today i had more of those taping moments and it was in the hug and kiss that my baby girl gave me, in the hug i got this morning from my boys before they went to school and it was in the kiss that my husband Wes gave to also reminder me how much he loves me and i love him.
 I believe some day i will see my husband Dave again and everyday that pass is one more for me and the kids to be closer to him. The Lord has promised :

  "I will go before your face, i will be on your right hand and on your left, my spirit shall be in your hearts and mine angels around you to bear you up. That is an everlasting declaration of God's love and care for us including and perhaps in time of trouble."

On December 9th, from Mom's journal

Some of you have wondered if it was possible to hear more about what happened to David, and to all of us on December 9.  The details of that day are hard to think about, but they are important to us as it is a day that none of us will ever forget.  This is from Mom’s journal, that she has agreed to share: 

On that Friday morning as I got out of the shower at about 7:15, Bruce told me that my phone had rung. Assuming it was work, I checked for a message and when there wasn’t one, I redialed the number listed on missed calls. It was the answering message at intermountain Medical Center. I told Bruce and he responded that it was probably something about my mother. I began to dress quickly and the phone rang again.

 The voice on the phone introduced himself and then asked if I was the parent of David Kenney. When I responded, yes, he continued that David had been in a car accident and been brought in to their ER. He then continued to say that he was in unstable condition and that they needed the family to come in immediately. I turned to Bruce and voiced to him, "it's David." The social worker asked if I had a number for his wife and I responded that I did, but to please let us contact her.

We dressed quickly, concerned, but no idea of the seriousness. As we left, I called upstairs to Nicky and told her that David had been in an accident and Dad and I were headed to the hospital and would let her know when we knew anything. Once we were in the truck and headed down 106th South, Bruce dialed Cristina's number. She didn't answer. He waited a few minutes and dialed again. When she answered, he told her about the phone call and that she needed to get the kids up and come to the hospital.

We were greeted at the ER entry and taken to a small room. There the social worker repeated that there had been an accident on highway 111 and that David had been brought in by ambulance. He reiterated that David was unstable and had been taken to surgery. He asked about his wife and we said that she was on her way. About that time our son-in-law, Eric arrived. Nicole had sent him to help with the children and/or to lend support in any way. Cris called and asked where in the complex we were and I went out to meet her and help with Josh and Jazzy.

I met her in the parking lot and she was crying and asked for me to tell her the truth "is he OK?" I told her all I knew. I stayed with the children in the outer waiting area while she met with the Social Worker, Bruce and Erik. Almost immediately I could hear her sobbing.  I wondered later, if she understood more about what was said than I did.

 Erik left to take the kids back to our home for Nicole to watch and he planned to go on to work. I think Bruce called Alex and Nicki must have started calling the others. We were taken to the surgery waiting room. Very soon the "rounding nurse" came and took us into a side room and explained that it was a severe head injury, he had lost a lot of blood and that the surgery could take up to several hours, but the best of brain surgeons were working on him.

Not too much longer and they realized we would have more family arriving and so we were taken to a large meditation room. At some point the social worker had gotten a number for Cristina's family and was contacting them. I remember thinking it was bit early to call them since we didn't really know anything.

People started arriving - Alex was there and then all of a sudden Kevan was there, and then Nick and before long Wes. I soon saw our Laura and wondered how everyone knew to come.

We were then told he was out of surgery (so soon?) and we were taken to a waiting room outside of the trauma ICU. People kept arriving. Immediate family was taken to a small consultation room and the doctor came in to talk to us. He started right out saying that he wasn't going to sugar coat it, and that he had worked on many, many head trauma cases and this was as bad as any he had ever seen. He told us we could go to him but to be prepared because his head was very swollen, so it wouldn't look like him. He said it was important for us to touch him and talk to him.

And so, taking Cristina's arm, Bruce walked us in together. My immediate thought was, it's all a mistake! That isn't my son! But, everyone kept coming in and people were crying and I looked around and saw that apparently it was my David. I walked around to the other side of the bed and from just one perspective I could see that it was him. My next thought, as I looked at his wrapped head (there were no other signs of injury) was my boy and his beautiful mind, his extremely intelligent brain, what would he be like now?

A chair was brought for me, where I sat for the next 30 hours, scarcely leaving his side. Shortly, there was a conversation between Bruce and Erik regarding getting Cristina's parents here.  The nurse looked at Bruce and said "yes, they need to come." I thought, easy for you to say, you don't have to pay for it. A little later I found myself alone in the room with the nurse and I said to her, "are you saying he's gone?" She responded, "oh yes, honey, he isn't going to come back."

When Bruce retuned, I told him what the nurse had said, and he came over to me and held me and said he knew, that he really knew when the doctor told us that it was as bad as he had ever seen. And so began my vigil. I held his hand and sang Baby Mine to him throughout that day, that night and the next day until he was pronounced brain dead.

During those hours people came and went. Liz arrived from Vegas, having driven up alone as soon as she knew it was serious. Ben arrived from Hawaii early the next morning. We were continually receiving messages from loved ones, across the country and that his name was in the just as many temples.

The nurses still seemed to be doing things to keep him alive, hydrated and breathing. For about another 12 hours he was still occasionally taking a deep breath on his own, that would cause his whole body to shake and tremble. Occasionally a tear would slide out of the corner of his eyes and slide down his cheeks.

I remember looking up from his bedside and out into the hallway. There would always be little groups of people huddled together, hugging each other and weeping. I remember seeing my brothers standing with their sons by their sides each of them holding on to their sons for dear life. That afternoon, Josh was brought to the hospital to say goodbye to his dad. Just as David would have been at that age, he was way more interested in all the machinery, equipment and tubes going in and out of his sleeping dad's body.

At some point we received a short police report regarding the accident. At approx. 6:20 in the morning, David was stopped for a red light on highway 111. As the light turned green, some animals (deer) walked in front of the car, and David did not proceed. Behind him, a man in a 3/4 ton pick-up saw only that the light was green and continued into the intersection at full speed. There were two eye witnesses working at the convenience store that called 911. It was felt that David never knew what happened and he never regained consciousness.

Once we all realized that he was gone, we began the process for organ donation. Bruce and Cristina worked with the team in completing what had to be done.  Eventually the final tests were completed and he was declared dead at 5:00 pm on December 10, 2011. At that time we gathered as a family one last time. We sang a hymn. We had a prayer and then we left his mortal remains to be harvested to bless the lives of others through the miracles of modern day science.

The following days were a blur of activity, seen and remembered only through a blur of tears. We did the physical things that had to be done. We were the recipients of many acts of service and kindness in our time of need. Food just seemed to pour in for all 50 of us and plants and flowers kept arriving. The cousins all started arriving from out of state (thanks to Kriss and Ed for sharing their sky miles) and they were all invaluable in their many ways of assisting us.

Our darling little Cristina was not doing well. She would seem to have it together and then lose it all in a post-traumatic stress event. I was no help to anyone. My husband and other children were somehow strong and able to carry on. Liz and Ben's families arrived and we all just wanted to be together.

We were blessed with some special and sacred experiences that began to help us accept and understand what we were going through. The spirit was strong in our homes and among us. Various members of the family had their own witness that our Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus Christ, knew of our earthly pain and what we were going through.

As for me, my life, as I knew it, was forever changed. I now knew what it meant to truly have a broken heart. However, in all my pondering and tears, I consider that I was the recipient of at least two tender mercies. I never once felt anger towards the man driving that truck that took my son's life and I never questioned God, saying, "why me?"

I have seen a grief counselor for several sessions. I have read many recommended books. I have pondered and prayed. I have talked with my Bishop and even Elder Koelliker. I am currently participating in a grief program for children with my Joshie. I was the direct recipient of someone else's spiritual gift, wherein I was given direct answers to some of my questions. During this time my children and their spouses and my wonderful husband have been there to support me when I needed them to lean on and to actually hold me up at times so that I can go on.

Today, I know that I will be OK. We have a great blessing in that our Cris and David's very good friend, Wes Felix, have found peace and comfort in each other, which has grown into love and are planning an August wedding. People are surprised when they hear and I am able to say unequivocally, that this is right. That this is simply a further step in a plan of which we are a part. Wes is a fine, honorable man that we will be proud to call our son, and father to our grandchildren. Our Cristina is stronger, also, and she continues to bring us happiness and joy as we remember how much happiness her love brought to our son.

I know that I must continue to find happiness in my day to day life, because that is absolutely what David would want. Yes, my future has forever been changed. In the beginning "it" was always there right in front of my eyes. Then "it" seemed to be on a shelf, where I would look at it, ponder, cry and then move on. Now, 5 months later, it is mostly closed behind a cupboard door.  Then out of the blue, something will be said or something happen to cause me to open the door, see "it", then cry a few tears and then hold a memory in my heart for just a moment and then quietly close the door until the next time.