Grief Wish List

MY GRIEF WISH LIST

Author Unknown

If you have been through grief you will relate to this. If you are going through it you will relate. If you have never been through this type of grief, keep this handy…it may help you one day.

I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.

I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

Sandy Hook: "Evil did not win."

I meant to post this last week, between David's anniversary and the Sandy Hook anniversary - very close dates - but I'm just barely getting to it now. What a sweet and wonderful message this video brings to us. May you feel the spirit strong as you watch and listen. Our loved ones live on in heaven and want us to enjoy our lives on this earth.

On Scars

Today we mark two years since the painful scar of David’s death.  Our hearts will never be the same.   But the scars are healing a little bit each day.  I feel closer to my Savior through this experience. 

I have had so many healing balms since December 9, 2011.  We all have.  I am so grateful to see the many ways our Heavenly Father has blessed our family in the past two years. 

A few months following David’s death, a few of us attended a conference for the families of organ donors.  One of the speakers was Molly Jackson, who lost her two year old daughter, Lucy.  Her speech was about scars, and can be found here:

http://www.agoodgrief.com/blog.php?id=910

I wanted to share it here and I’ve bolded some of my favorite parts.

 

 

Tonight I'd like to talk about scars. Some seen, most unseen. I know everyone in this room has them. I want to tell you a little about mine.

Of course I have the usual scars one accumulates during childhood--a small scar on my upper right eyelid from the gash I probably deserved after falling off the bed and onto the medal bed frame at 2 yrs. old. I was monkeying around of course.

Or the scar on my knee I earned in college while midnight rollerblading the streets of Provo and hitting an unforeseen patch of gravel.

I have the small and unseen scars of past unrequited loves and deep disappointments, loneliness, and hurt.

But nothing compares to the scars I live with now. The scars that only those of us who have lost a loved one can understand. Sometimes we're the only ones who can ever see them or recognize them in others.

Before I tell you too much about how I got my deepest scars, I want to share a quote with you from a book I recently finished called, Little Bee. Little Bee is a Nigerian girl who witnessed and survived horrific tragedy in her country, as well as enduring 2 years inside a British Immigration Detention Center. She implores the reader, ""I ask you right here to please agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret."

The soul-searing pain and opening of my psychological wounds began on a beautiful Sunday in May of 2008. After primping for church and finally making it out the door with my soon-to-be 2 yr. old daughter, Lucy, we sat restlessly in our pew for as long as we could manage before needing to taker her energetic bundle out to the foyer for distraction and consoling.

When we realized she wasn't going to settle down and got her strapped in her car seat to leave, I handed her a small Tupperware of thinly sliced apples. That's when she began to choke. That's when i called for my husband and he administered the Heimlich maneuver. That's when my eyes locked with hers for the last time. That's when friends and medical professionals poured out of the church building to assist us and eventually the life-flight helicopter landed and whisked her body away.

That's when I knew I would never be the same. The irreversible wounds would become scars I'd carry the rest of my life.

But the deepest cut came when I held my daughter in my arms and the organ harvesting team wheeled us down the hallway to the yellow line where I gave my daughter's body away. I knew that scar would be the most beautiful.

I heard later, after Lucy's grandmothers reverently dressed her for the burial, of the long and precise scars on her body where her perfect little organs were extracted to save the lives of other scarred and scared souls.

Not only do her recipients share her organs--they share her scars.

For every grieving face I see her tonight, there is another living face out there in the world--sharing the scars of your loved ones.

In 7 short weeks I am due to give birth to a little girl on my Lucy's birthday. Bringing her into the world will be painful and no doubt, leave some scarring. But the beauty that comes with this new life will be worth the pain. A healing balm.

I knew everyone here tonight has scars. Deep wounds that are still very tender and raw...still bleeding even. Others perhaps have "tightened" and hardened over the years--but they are there.

I want you to remember our earlier agreement we made with Little Bee about our scars being beautiful. Sometimes people have to look away because they see too much beauty and we can't blame them.

So be proud of your scars. And the MORE-THAN-HONORABLE scars left on the bodies of those we love and buried.

THERE WILL BE HEALING. You will experience your own healing balms in your life that will help soothe the sting.

Have faith that your scars will become more elastic and you will be able to bend and stretch and live your life with greater range of motion--embracing the scars you share with your departed and knowing you hold a beauty, wisdom, perspective, gift, and knowledge--that the scar-less will never know.

I am grateful for the scars David’s body has from his organ donations.  We have been in contact with some of these people who are grateful to be alive today because of his gift.  We hope to share their stories in the months to come. 

I love you David, and I’m so thankful to be your sister.

Being Thankful while Grieving

Happy Thanksgiving to all we love and care for! This time of year can be hard to those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. My father in law is helping his dear brother right now who recently lost his wife and he shared this article with us. I really appreciated the sentiment of the author and also the comments that the readers left beind. So if you have some time, click through to the original post and read the comment section.

Its hard to recognize the blessings that come our way through loss, but eventually they are felt. I am thankful for that strength.

Love to all

http://identityrenewed.com/2013/11/21/15-things-i-wish-id-known-about-grief/

After a year of grief, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also made some mistakes along the way. Today, I jotted down 15 things I wish I’d known about grief when I started my own process.

I pass this onto anyone on the journey.

1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life willgo on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.

2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.

3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling.

4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.

5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living.

6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.

7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.

8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.

9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help.

10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.

11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?” 

12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.

13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.

14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you.

What are things you’ve learned about grief that you wish you’d known when your loss first happened?

"I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee"

President Monson, Oct 2013 Conference:

When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question “Why me?” At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?”¹We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required....

From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”⁷ Such comfort is priceless....

Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.

This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. 

Celebrating You

Happy Birthday Dear Brother. 
We aren't celebrating today quite like we did last year, but I'm going to be sure to do some random acts of kindness in your name.  I finally finished our memory book all about you.  You have so many friends and family who love you, and try to be better each day because of what we learned from you. 

 

It was hard for everyone to try and capture everything about you , as you are impossible to put into words.  But, we did our best and it will be a treasure to look at photos and read all of our memories of you. 

 



 

It goes without saying that I wish you were here, to celebrate 34 years since your birth.  Look at how cute we were so many years ago.  I love you with all my heart and will spend today celebrating life and all that it has to offer. 

 

much love,

Laura





Before and After, by Jimae

Before and After

by Jimae Kenney, Mom

Forever the demarcation

In the life that I call mine

The day to day occurrences

Before and after on that line.

Before we were a family

Held together by joy and love.

Our day to day activities

Appreciation for gifts from above.

Before I was always focused

On what to do today-

What time do I have to be there

And what do I need to say?

I felt like I was in the service

Of my family and fellow man.

I was good at what I committed to

Completing tasks and caring for others

Almost faster than I ran.

After life was forever changed

We were still a family unit

But the depth and breadth of our understanding

Were magnified in our comprehension of it.

The heavy scent of flowers-

The sounds of bagpipe strains-

The cold and ice of winter

Bring back the empty pains.

Especially now at Halloween

Your favorite time of year-

The tricks and jokes you were up to

Leaving us all to fear.

Oh the memories of your spirit

How caring and loving you were.

And now you’re gone we hold inside

The warmth of your strength so sure.

And with that comes a peace,

A stillness in our hearts-

Though broken, they are stilled

A song that cries within our parts.

Before I had thirty two years

Now, after is only two

My continuum of understanding

And memories of you

Encourage me to continue

To go forth each and every day

With renewed understanding of the plan of life

And constantly in my heart I pray

For understanding of the truth

Of knowledge that is our sacrifice in seeing-

As we release our beloved son To the Heavens

Of our father and brother of greater being.

So, is this how our Heavenly Father felt

When he gave his only begotten son?

Did the grief and pain underlie

All that is ever done?

After

So, now today, I often wonder

Did I teach you all that you needed to know

To get through time and eternity

And what to do so you will continue to grow?

Did you learn what you needed to be?

Truth be told, upon that day –

Two years ago our life was forever altered

Now all of us can say

We are to take these things we know-

Those things we need to do

To be the people on this earth

To act in place of you.