Dear David

Dear David,
 

It can feel so overwhelming. Each morning before I even get out of bed, I pray. I pray to feel the comforter near to help me to face the new day. I pray for Cristina and your two little kids, that they can feel the comforter even nearer, so they can continue to move forward--to ease their pain in any way possible. I pray for mom and dad too-that they can remember what you've taught us all, so they can continue to be strong and comforted. I pray for all of my siblings and families to make it through one more day too. I feel these prayers are being answered, but it is so hard not to get stuck in the heaviness of it all and not to focus on how very much we miss you and will continue to miss you being around.

I'm trying to figure out some ways to honor your life. Ideas seem to come and go and I get overwhelmed at what to do first, what is most important and what I want to be sure not to forget.

Liz and I have talked about starting a memorial type of blog of some sort for all of your family and friends to come and remember and get updates on stuff like organ donation, how we are all doing etc. We would also love to include acts of service or things we are doing to make this tragedy a blessing in our lives--ways we are committed to become better people, a little bit more like you.

 

It is strange and a bit sad to me that I don't have a ton of specific memories of our lives together coming to my mind. It is so frustrating that again it is so overwhelming. You are just a part of me, it's like trying to recall my entire childhood since you've been a part of me since I was two, let's be honest there isn't much to my life without you in it.  I’m hopeful that in time, I’ll be able to remember more. 

       I know we haven't been as close these past few years, life just gets busy with our own families, kids, spouses, work etc. I'm sorry I didn't make talking with you about what's important more of a priority. When I think back to the last few times we were together, the Harry Potter party and the Bodell Halloween party, I think we said the usual "hello's, what's up?, what book are you reading these days" type stuff, but when is the last time I really sat down with you and talked about life? I'm sorry you didn't call me when you were in Tooele after your first car accident on your birthday. I'm sorry I wasn't the type of sister you felt like you could call and I would drop everything to help you out. I know it's not a big deal, but I just have some regrets like I'm sure everyone does.
 

I feel pressure to remember everything, to tell your kids all about you and the kind of man you are. I don't want them to miss a thing. Let's be honest, I want you to be here to teach them yourself, and when I think about any one person trying to fill your shoes I feel so very sad. How can we do it? I find myself thinking a lot more often, how would David do this? How would he say this? How can I ease the pain of these two darling children who won't remember much about their time spent with you? I want to write it all down for them, but when I sit down to do it, I can't do anything but cry at the unfairness of it all.

 
I love you and miss you,

Laura