Why I worry

Losing Dave has been something none of us expected. Yet we are learning from it, growing, understanding little by little. As much as it saddens me that he is gone, I'm not sure it has really set in yet. You see, it's been about 2 months since I've seen David and that is not unusual. Living far away from family, its normal to go weeks and months without seeing someone. Even when we lived in Utah, Dave and I could go weeks without seeing each other. Busy lives.

Everyone tells me as I've been grieving that it will "get better". This is what I worry about. How can it get better? Each day that passes means more time since I've seen him or heard from him. I can't imagine what I will feel like next summer. Next fall. Next Christmas. All these "firsts" will be so difficult.

We've already had our "first" Christmas. It was hard for my parents, siblings, Cris and the kids. But I and my little family stayed in Vegas for Christmas and had our own little celebration. There were no past memories of David at our house for Christmas to haunt me.

When I imagine the future "getting better", I think of what will it be like in five years. Five years without David. He wont be getting chubbier in his late 30's, or going gray like I did when I was 37. My older kids will still be able to reminisce their memories, but the younger ones will have no idea. Joshie will be nearing the time of receiving the Priesthood and Jasmine will be getting baptised. No David.

Or how about in twenty years when my grand kids will ask me about why I always cry on December 8/9/10th? And I have to tell them about my wonderful brother whom they have never met on this earth. Attending the mission farewells and weddings of Josh and Jazzie....without David.

And more than likely, I will still be on this earth in 40 years, possibly even 60 years from now. All with no David. I can't comprehend this.

But I must.

I must put my faith in the Lord that ALL IS WELL. He is in control.

I will be thankful in five years when my family is in need of blessings from Heaven. It will bring me comfort to think of David guiding me and helping me make decisions. In twenty years when I'm in the temple for Jasmines wedding, I will be sure to feel of his spirit present with us the same way I felt him 5 days after his death when we were in the temple. And when I am nearing death myself after60 years of seeing my sweet brother, I will be so happy and take comfort in knowing I have a most wonderful reunion in store for me soon to come.

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

--Liz