Five months

May 9, 2012

Dear David,

Five longs months today.  Somehow, in some way- we are all still hanging in around here.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, watching your sweet wife run the gamut of feelings; fears, frustrations and faith.  I know you have been so close to all of us, especially Cris and the kids. 

We took Joshua swimming a few weeks ago.  He is so great at playing by himself, not demanding to be entertained like many kids his age.  Then Kevan started to pay him some extra attention, just like I’m sure you would, if you were here. Oh, David, it broke my heart to see his face light up at an uncle giving him some one on one time.  They had a great time together, but you are so irreplaceable.  No matter what any of us try to do, we can never be you.  The attention to detail you were able to give in so many areas of your life never cease to amaze me.  I know that no detail mattered (or matters) more to you than your Cris, Josh and Jasmine.   I try to take an extra minute to give them special hugs whenever I see them just because I know you are aching to do so.   It is hard not to focus on the unfairness of it all. Those sweet kids deserve to grow up with a fantastic dad like you!  Sometimes I still close my eyes and want your death to be a terrible nightmare that I will wake up from.

I am amazed at Cris’ strength.  No, it’s never easy, but she is so incredibly strong.  She is trying every day to do the right things, even though the future is so unclear and seems way too heavy to face.  But we know she is not alone, we are all here helping her in any way that we can.  And she still has you.  Thank you for visiting with her in her dreams, it helps us all remember how eternal families really are.  I know that your spirit is as alive and interested in her well-being as being here on earth ever was.  Thank you for that. 

My heart is still aching for you to be back here where sometimes I think you rightfully belong.  I want you to plan the family reunion this summer like you were supposed to.  I want you to drive the kids around in the train at every family gathering.  I want to see you relaxing on the couch with your arm around Cris at Mom and Dad's on a Sunday night.  I want you to be here giving horsey rides to the kids after dinner.  I want to be able to call your cell and ask you random questions or send you emails and have you reply.  Instead there is a hole in my heart where you should be. 

I am so grateful to have you as my brother.  My kind, patient, sweet little brother.  I saw you briefly in a dream of my own a few nights ago.  You were coming up a crowded staircase and we saw each other. I gave you a good hug and then you were on your way.  I don’t think any words were even spoken.  But you looked good and happy.

The hole in my heart continues to heal as I reflect on temple covenants and the eternal plan of happiness.   I know our Heavenly Father is in charge of all of this.  He hasn’t left us alone through any of it and for this I am so incredibly thankful.  Thank you for all you continue to do for all of us from your side of the veil.

All my love,

Laura