Why am i angry?

I am angry because i have to be a mom and dad everyday.
I am angry because i was a good person my whole life, trying to do all the things my Father in heaven said.
I am angry because when Josh asks about Daddy i get so sad that i cant explain him on words that he will understand about what happen to daddy.
I am angry because when i try to play legos with him, he says: Oh mammy i wish my daddy was here.
I am angry because Josh first tooth is about to fall off and Dave is NOT here to celebrate with me.
I am angry because Josh said he does not have a Daddy to go to Scouts like the other boys at church.
I am angry because he wants to go inside the Temple to see Daddy and he just CAN'T.
I am angry because i have this beautiful day for myself and kids and all the planes we had with my Dave went to the garbage.
I am angry because WE WERE ready to have another baby.
I am angry because WE WERE planing on Going to HAWAI to surprise Ben.
I am angry because my Princess just turned 3 and the Bouncing House he wanted to buy for her, never happen.
    December 21,2002: I saw Elder Kenney again, this time it was weird to me calling him Dave and not elder. He is going to be here only for 3 days so we have to make sure he will go back to his house with good memories. I heard he came back for my best friend, what i blessing for her! the only thing that worries me is that she has a boyfriend and i dont think Elder Kenney knows that. Well i wish both the best.

  December 27, 2002: what a small world!since a few days ago my life has change drastically. Last december on the 24 David invited me to go out with him and the only way i can go is if i take my little cousin with me. I feel something very special already for this guy. We held hands like we were dating. On our way to the date he asked me if i would like to go someday where he lives and see the mountains. Last night i found the courage to talk to my dad and told him about this feelings. He said dont get your hopes to high, let things go slow and we will see what happen. I will listen to my dad.

   December 30, 2002: This feelings for Dave are growing up so fast! and makes sad he is going back to Utah. I told my self i will enjoy his company as much as i can and show him that my love for him is real even when we just getting to know each other. He said he cares a lot about me. Is it really worth it? I dont know i hope tomorrow will be another good day like today.

   January 2, 2003: Another year has gone and last year brought me beautiful memories. David has thought me patience and to be humble, he makes me feel so special. He is going back in 4 days and i start it to miss him. At church and with the neighbor hood people are saying i dont deserve him and it makes sad, maybe they are right. David told me I LOVE YOU for the first time! Oh my! oh my! what is this feeling in my heart?. Thanks Heavenly Father i guess i have been doing good so far.

   January 7, 2003: David is back to his home and my heart is broken, i miss him so much i am afraid will will forget me. He gave a note:
    In my home, the songs on the radio will apply to me, i am sure that thinking of you might make me sad, but at the same time will fill me hope and optimism. It's nice to have something to live for. Something to look forward to. It's even nice to have something to miss. I guess that in order to feel something as exciting yet pure as this, i must be willing to also feel the hurt and lonliness of being away from you. I hope it takes a long, long , long, long time before i forget your plethora of "Faces" that always makes me feel the luckiest guy around.
    What can i do to not missing him this much? I want to find a way to always be near him, but that means i have to leave everything here and leave my work, my friends, my culture and the most important, my family, what should i do?

   January 30,2003: David called me and he is still thinking about me. I am so HAPPY he is thinking about me, i feel so lucky to have him.

   February 14, 2003:  David called me and he gave me a wonderful news. He is coming to visit me in a month! My stomach is about to pop, i can't believe he is coming. I will let him know this time how i feel about him and i will tell him that this feelings i have for him are real and i am not confuse.

   March 24,2003: This last week its been the best in my life, why? cause Dave was here, he talked to my dad about his feeling for me and FINALLY we held hands in front on of my friend and family.

   May 20, 2003: Dave is coming back and every time he says that to me i just can't sleep for days and i am always thinking about him and the day i will see him, the real good news is, he is staying for TWO months! Oh my goodness what am i going to do to make him happy and have fun? i just know i am so thankful for this opportunity  that he has to come and spend time with me. I guess i will take this day by day.

 June 27,2003: David is been here for 2 weeks now and this time we have a visitor: his little brother Alex, i feel so honored to meet someone else from Dave's side. I am so happy to have David all this time, i am enjoying every second and every memory. I am so Happy that nothing is wrong right now and is PERFECT.

   July 12, 2003: OH MY! OH MY! OH MY! I AM ENGAGED! and he asked me to marry him and just CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Oh Heavenly Father you love me so much and i am so happy right now. I am going to be spending the rest of my life with this guy, i love him so much and he is everything to me, he makes me happy i just love him. My mom and dad are a little bit sad but i have to do this, cause i love this guy, my heart is telling me his is the ONE and i will follow my heart. I cannot wait until the day i will see him every day and night and start a family together. I love you David James Kenney.

  August 16, 2003: He went back to his house to start preparing the papers for me to go there. I have learn a lot about him. The difference with other couples that are too far away from each other i feel like our love gets stronger with distance and it is worth the wait in order to be happy after. I am his fiance and makes so happy to be wearing my ring and feeling that i belong to him. Counting the days until he comes back! I love you David James Kenney.

   September 6, 2003: I am 21 today, David Called me not too long ago and he said he wishes to be here with me celebrating my Bday. I am so happy that i got to hear his voice, BEST PRESENT EVER!

    October 1, 2003: Dave came back! He will be here only for a week. I cant stop looking at him and thinking how handsome he is, i love his face, his eyes, his humor and the way he loves me. Well i have to stop writing, every minute is gold for me, not time to waste.

   November 10, 2003:  On David's Bday he got  the letter that said i got the permission to go and get my VISA. I am so happy and sad at the same time. Now is real, i have to go and leave my family and start a new life. I dont know how to talk with my parents and tell them that the VISA is ready. My mom is going to be so sad, but i love David more now that my own mom and i already took my decision. Please Heavenly Father help me now, i need you, please i need you. My life is going to change in a few days, in a few days i will be in another country, another language, another culture, new family and i will need you by my side the days i will feel alone. I am leaving everything i know about myself here and start my new life as Cristina Candelaria Kenney.

    Thanks Everyone for reading all this, this is what i wrote on my journal when i was dating with my sweet heart. The lord knows me and i don't know why he took Dave away from me, i did my best, i was a good girl, good sister and good wife and mom and nothing will make me feel better. The show has to go on and i am grateful with Heavenly Father that at least he gave me Dave for 8 years. I still dont understand what i did  wrong and i still have so many questions, for now i need to be angry, if i dont let this phase of my grieving pass, i dont think thing will get easier. Love you all, thanks for you support and help, for the blessing  i had, for the many nights you guys were there with me, for the tears and i just thank you guy enough. I hope my life one day will be better.